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10. An Ode to the Corona Virus

An Ode to the Coronavirus



No one could know the trouble we’ve seen

When faced with COVID-19.

Supermarket aisles all laid bare

As people rush to see what used to be there.


A new found love of tinned tomatoes and pasta,

Riots over loo rolls in Sainsbury and Asda.

Hand sanitiser rocketing in price,

Shopping rations for UHT milk and rice.


Aldi limiting people to two trumpets and a diving suit,

While at Lidl it’s a MIG welder and a parachute.

Queuing outside the supermarket a metre apart,

Hoping the person in front doesn’t fart.


Washing your fruit and veg with Fairy,

Scouring the corner shops for eggs and dairy.

Rushing to the alcohol aisle at opening time

To find they’re completely out of wine.


Travellers with hazmat suits on the Metrolink

As commuter numbers start to shrink.

Shoppers worrying about unused store credit

And missing the relative calm of Brexit.


Parents panicking all over the UK

As they realise with their children they’ll have to stay.

Applications for divorce going through the roof,

Citing too much companionship as proof.


Working from home is the new norm

As people try to deal with the inevitable shitstorm

Of the children still demanding attention,

attempting to implement argument prevention.


Dealing with your normal load of work

Whilst your offspring very kindly go berserk.

Plying them with crisps and sweets

because you have deadlines to meet.


Self-isolation has become the current trend

And the television our closest friend.

With Netflix and Amazon subscriptions on the rise

Bezos is benefiting from the worlds demise.


Social distancing is the buzz word of the day

As the world tries to keep the virus at bay.

Mother’s Day wishes using a video call,

Cards and flowers delivered over the wall.


Not daring to cough or touch your face

As If you do, you’ll get a look of disgrace

With people calling in the army like on Monsters, Inc.

And whisking you into the clink.


There’s no place to hide from this infernal disease,

Even Boris has now started to cough and sneeze.

Poor Charles is now also short of breath

But managed to don his suit and clap for the NHS.


But soon everyone will return to A+E

With paper cuts, colds or a scratch to their knee.

Its amazing how in a crisis things don’t hurt

But once it's all over back to normal, they revert.


Meetings that have been done via Skype or Zoom

Will now have to be face-to-face in the same room.

Hours of unnecessary journeys that were curtailed

Will be back with a vengeance and mileage will be nailed.


Traffic will return to the usual gridlock

And the pleasant drive to work will stop.

Black market stalls will appear all over the shop

As people try and sell their surplus toilet roll stock.


It will be good to get to normal and relax

But will we be left with a bleak world like in mad Max

Will robots rule a dystopian earth?

As zombie-like human’s march with no mirth.


Will the oceans be awash with PPE?

Meaning that there is no sign of the sea.

Will people have to work till they’re 84?

As their pensions have gone through the floor.


Will we have a nation of children who are thick?

As the home schooling they had didn’t cut it.

Will an OBE will be given out to Brenda from Canterbury

Who works nights stacking shelves at Sainsbury?


Will the queue at the barbers be out of the door,

Full of blokes with beards and hair to the floor?

Will women discover the natural colour of their hair

As a lack of hair dye reveals what used to be there?


Will the beach body look now be in tatters?

As the lack of exercise has left us a bit fatter.

Will alcohol consumption have hit an all-time high?

Will furloughed employees now be a little work-shy?


One thing is for certain that when this is all done,

We’ll be back in the beer gardens basking in the sun.

Planning our next holiday destination

While surrounded by toilet roll creations.


And as people look into this global pandemic

After it’s all been analysed by brainy academics,

The sole blame will not be the Wu Han food distribution

But part of Greta Thunberg’s war on pollution.


So, remember this madness will eventually end

And the world will soon be on the mend.

In the meantime, wear your PPE, don’t be the next case

And, as always, stay safe.